2003-06-09 at 1:06 p.m.
hopefully
daddy�s face lit up with a glow so precious that i couldn�t help but to tear up.
momma�s voice shrieked with delight as she realized what we were trying to tell them.
even though this is where i usually go into great detail on the conversation that was had, there were so many different conversations going on at one time, daddy to me, momma to me, me to chris, daddy to chris, jami to me, me to daddy, me to momma, chris to daddy, and so on. there is no way feasible to recount what was actually said.
but i promise it was a joyous occasion.
*****************
this weekend was bittersweet.
out of all the good things that happened, the one bad over shadows all others in my mind.
chris.
he decided to go out saturday night.
without me.
to a bar.
without me.
with shane.
without me.
his rationalization for this was that since i am pregnant, i do not need to be around all that cigarette smoke.
and that is true.
but...
when he left the house, he said that he and shane were merely going to a party up the road and would be back within an hour.
so i told him to have a good time, he kissed me good bye and off they went.
that was at 9:30 p.m.
at 12:30 a.m. i decided that they must be having a pretty good time at the party and would be in soon so i went to bed.
at four o�clock i woke up in a panic.
chris still wasn�t home.
i tried calling his cell phone, but it wasn�t on (he�s been having problems with that phone lately). so i called his buddy�s phone.
�you there?� i asked. i knew since he answered that they weren�t dead. i was sure he could tell i was so mad that my face was turning more and more red with every breath.
�yeah?� he replied. he should have just shoved the phone at chris as soon as he heard my voice.
�let me talk to chris, � i demanded.
and with that the phone cut out.
*note: we do live in a very rural area, so cell phones not working are a part of everyday life.
less than twenty minutes later they arrived at the house.
*****************
am i asking too much from him?
granted, he has been spending more time at home with me.
but is it right for him to gallivant off with his buddies anywhere he wants to go and at any time?
Lordy, Lordy.
i have turned into a crazed power-hungry wife-bitch.
********************
if i knew that i was wrong to feel this way about his escapades, maybe i could get over them easier. or maybe even not get mad at all.
i didn�t get mad when he went to big daddy�s on friday night with his best friend.
but he told me he was going.
i knew where he was.
i knew he wouldn�t be home until late.
no biggie.
but when he acts as if he will be home at a reasonable hour and then doesn�t come home until the sun is starting to rise the next day....shouldn�t i get mad?
he gets so mad at me when i try to explain to him how all this makes me feel.
he has told me that he doesn�t see where anything he has done is wrong.
sometimes i wish i could just punch him in the stomach with all my strength. because that is how i feel when he acts like this. like all the wind has been knocked out of me.
and we�re going to have a baby.
shouldn�t this make him feel a little more responsible?
***************
i keep asking him if he is happy about this baby.
and every time he answers with a very enthusiastic yes.
so why isn�t he acting like it?
will he change (for the better, Lord knows i don�t need anything worse) the closer i get to my due date?
*****************
he is leaving tomorrow for oklahoma.
he is going to work a three-week shutdown.
maybe this is what we both need.
some time apart.
some time apart that i know he is doing something constructive.
hopefully by the time he returns he will miss me so much that he can hardly stand to not be near me.
hopefully...
**********************
xoxo
tell me i'm beautiful...
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