10.04.2013 at 9:50 pm
I miss her
I shouldn't care. I absolutely should not care at all.
But I do...
I was so unequivocally over-joyed today when the doctor took me off of the wound vac that I couldn't think of anything else. I immediately began sending text messages to my friends and family telling them that the doctor had taken me off of the vac. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful it felt all day not to be tethered to that confounded thing.
And tonight, I was able to take a shower. Like normal people do. I didn't have to wait until a day that the home health nurse would be coming (as I have been having to for over the past month). I can take a shower now any time that I want :)
It is amazing the things that I use to take for granted that I haven't been able to do.
Shower on a regular basis.
Drive my car.
Go to the grocery store.
Walk distances longer than 100 yards.
And now I can start doing some of those things again. The stamina thing will be something that will happen over time. I don't plan on running any 5Ks anytime soon, if you know what I mean...
But the thing that I will never get back...
The way I was.
The way I use to look.
I've never had an awesome body. But it was MY body. And I knew every inch of it.
Heck, I've had it for 34 years, right?
But now... I have the beginnings of this hideous scar.
And not only a scar. It has actually changed the way my body is shaped. I hope I will be able to hide all of the disfigurement when I am clothed. And that is all I should care about, right?
Well, that is easier said than done...
I stood in the shower tonight and cried...
I cried so hard that my Janie came to the door and asked me if I was alright. She could hear me in the next room. I thought the noise of the shower would hide my weeping, but I was wrong.
I feel so shallow. So vain...
But I just want my old body back.
The one that I wasn't even that proud of.
But it was mine.
I cannot even continue to type this entry. The tears are beginning to well up once again. I am better than this. I am stronger than this.
But I still want to be able to feel like Leigh again. I miss her.
xoxo
tell me i'm beautiful...
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