2003-05-27 at 8:37 a.m.
memorial day weekend
i hope you haven�t shed too many tears because of my absence.
the past four days of my life have been full of highs and lows, just as always. as i drove to work this morning, i wondered if i was going to try to relay all of it to you through my diary. although i think that would be nearly impossible, i thought i could still give it a try.
let�s see. the first thing that comes to mind is that i had a long conversation with jason. i think this happened on thursday night. when chris was gone somewhere. i can�t quite remember where. but i remember not being very happy about it.
i spent the bulk of the conversation crying to jason about how i felt i was loosing chris. i felt so hopeless. my world was falling apart all around me.
i felt much better when i got off the phone with him. it was so cathartic just to have someone to talk to. someone to listen to me. someone who has no ulterior motive for being my friend. someone who wants me to be happy no matter what.
he will never understand how much he helped me that night.
***********
f r i d a y
on friday, i spent most of the day being as lazy as possible. i didn�t even put makeup on. it was nice to begin with. but by the end of the day, i felt as though i had wasted a whole vacation day from work on nothing more than being completely and utterly slothful. i began to regret my decision to skip work that day. but alas, there was nothing i could do about it then. it was done.
now i am down to only six days of vacation left for the year. and it is only may.
*pout*
*************
s a t u r d a y
saturday and sunday were both four-wheeler ride days. saturday we (chris and i) went on a ride with shea and vic. it wasn�t as rough as chris would have liked. he�s use to playing around in mud and getting stuck. we spent more time stopped than we did moving. i could tell he was getting agitated, but he said nothing. for this i was grateful.
that night chris and shane decided they wanted to go to the bar in coffeeville.
at first i was excited. it had been over two years since i had been to the bar in coffeeville.
then i realized.
he didn�t want me to go.
**************
just as i was about to leave to go to my parents� house, the phone rang.
it was jason.
chris had answered the phone.
�it�s for you,� he said, handing me the phone. his voice was strangely tense.
�hello?� i asked.
�hey! it�s jason!� he cheerily replied.
�hey,� i was being so short with him so my tears didn�t escape my eyes. i knew that the more i talked to him the more likely that i wouldn�t be able to hold them in.
�everything alright?� he asked.
�no,� i replied. i would not allow him to see me cry. even though he had seen me cry numerous times before, i did not want him to think he was worth crying over. that is how angry i was at him. i wanted to hurt him like he was hurting me.
�is he standing right there?� jason asked.
�yes,� i answered.
�well, tell you what. i will call you back later. or better yet, you call me later if things don�t get better. okay hon?� he asked.
�sounds good to me,� i replied. a smile actually widened across my face. my eyes squinted up, causing the reservoir of tears to come streaming down my face.
i hung up the phone and looked at chris.
he had that �i�m not going to ask, but i wish you would tell me anyway� look on his face.
�who was that?� he finally asked.
�a friend of mine. his name is jason.�
and that was all that was said about that.
�are you coming?� he asked as he stood up from our porch swing and headed toward the steps.
�you don�t want me to go,� i replied. my hurt over this whole situation was gradually being replaced my anger and rage.
�do whatever you want to do,� he stated as he walked towards his truck.
so i did.
i walked right behind him and got into his truck.
*************
i had a fun time at the bar.
i think i had a more fun time than either chris or shane.
the fact that i probably had more fun than they did made the whole situation before we got there worth every minute of it.
i was exhausted by the time we got home.
and as my head hit the pillow his hand found mine.
but i am beginning to wonder.
is that enough?
***************
s u n d a y
sunday�s ride was a complete 180 degrees from saturday�s ride. chris had a wonderful time. we were covered in mud from head to toe. i had black mud in my hair, my ears, my bra, my nose, and even some in the corners of my eyes. granted, at times i was miserable, but chris was having such a wonderful time. i didn�t care about my comfort at the time. i just loved seeing him happy. i loved being with him while he was happy. i loved putting my mud and sand covered arms around his waist. i loved holding on to him for dear life as we rode through the woods at dangerous speed.
we had the time of our lives.
i will never forget that ride.
never.
we didn�t get home until after eleven o�clock. i had began to wonder if i would have the strength to stand up in the shower and clean the mud off of my body.
and of course, i did.
i slept so hard that night i doubt i moved even once.
i awoke monday morning in the same position that i had started out in the night before.
**************
m o n d a y
it began as a lazy day. much like the past friday had been.
chris decided that he needed to go over and help a friend of his to help fix a four wheeler.
he got home around a quarter till ten and we grilled steaks outside.
i finally got into bed around 11:45.
********************
that brings me up to today.
the day after memorial day.
the day we start summer hours at work.
the longest day at work.
i have to be here until 4:30 today.
that extra thirty minutes is going to be torture.
but getting off at two o�clock on friday will be heaven.
*************
xoxo
tell me i'm beautiful...
||
