05.29.2008 at 11:50 pm
cheekbones and collar bones
a lot of things have changed.
about me.
about my life.
my priorities.
janie is still number one there, but after that, things are much different.
i use to blog every day. maybe even multiple times a day. now? i rarely update.
this blog use to be my life. because i was almost scared to go out and really live my life. i used the internet to be my crutch because i could display the things about me and my life that i wanted people to know and to praise me for, all the while hiding those things that i was ashamed of.
that has changed.
i still love to blog, but it has taken a backseat to me actually living life. enjoying my friends and going out and doing things with them. enjoying my daughter more than i ever thought imaginable. enjoying my family because i'm no longer ashamed of myself.
that's the difference 110 pounds can make.
when i began this blog back in may of 2003, i weighed 282 pounds.
now i weigh around 172 pounds.
this past december i set a goal of 189 pounds just because it was under 200 and totally random and reachable at the time (i had just gotten under 200). and now i'm 17 pounds past that goal.
today i bought a halter-top tankini. and when i looked in the mirror, i was astonished that this was my face on that body. now, i promise, not everything is as firm as it should be. but i now have a waist.
i've never really had a waist before.
and my collar bones? you can actually see them. i didn't know that a woman's neck line was suppose to look like that.
my shoulders and my arms. they look so feminine. i never wore sleeveless shirts because my arms were so pudgy. and i just bought a halter?
wow.
i've got cheekbones.
i can cross my legs and the outside of my legs touch when i do.
i'm not constantly wanting to take a nap.
and yes, i am stating completely obvious things that most women probably don't think about. but you just don't understand. when you are 5'4" tall and weigh almost 300 pounds, life is very, very different.
now, they all do.
yes, i still weigh well above what i probably should. i once had a BMI of 48.4 which is considered morbidly obese.
yeah.
the first time i heard that term in conjunction with me, i cried my eyes out. big fat tears. the kind that come with the sobbing that just won't stop because you can't catch your breath.
now, my bmi is 29.5 and i am considered obese. i hate that word.
i LOATHE that word, actually.
but when i look in the mirror, i still feel obese. and sometimes, i even feel like i did when i weighed 282 pounds. but that's only when i'm alone. i realize that there are parts of my body that i would love to change that i simply cannot. it is physically impossible.
this is the first time in my life that i have considered cosmetic surgery. i would love to know how much i would weigh after a tummy tuck... and a few other little procedures.
but is it worth it?
i just don't know.
but i do know this. this summer is going to be a lot different than my past summers. because i'm not scared of how people think i look anymore.
i know i have changed. my personality has changed, i'm sure. i'm more apt to be real. heck, i'm more apt to flirt even. it's just me. it's who i've always been, but before i hid behind being the chubby girl that everyone liked.
but shug... that girl is gone. hopefully forever.
i plan on continuing to update, and i still constantly take pictures and upload them to my picasaweb album site. so if you want to know what's going on in my life and i'm not updating, check it out. like they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. :)
xoxo
tell me i'm beautiful...
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