05.24.2007 at 7:41 pm
nap time
i have been neglecting my blog lately. i have been a very bad blogger� and while i am sure there is much that i could write about� i cannot seem to think of anything of substance right now�.
i tried to take a bath this afternoon, because i wasn't feeling well (mostly just tired, i am sure) and i figured that would make it all better.
the first 2 minutes of it were wonderful. then janie started throwing a fit because she couldn't find me. i stared at the door nob as it twisted and turned back and forth. apparently she thought the door should pull open, not push, therefore she wasn't getting very far with it. i sat in the warm water and listened to her cry.
all i wanted was to take a bath. by myself. a few minutes of peace.
finally, i climbed out of the tub and opened the door for her. she had tears streaming down her face, but as soon as she saw me, the tears stopped. her grimace turned into a grin and she even laughed.
i let her in the bathroom, and got back into the tub. at first, she wanted in with me, but after feeling the warmth of the water, she decided differently.
so there she stood. staring at me and asking me random questions.
"wats dat?"
"who gimme dis?"
"where's daddy?"
"you got soap in you hair?"
"dat hot wader?"
all i wanted was to take a bath and to be able to think�. to go over things in my mind without someone asking me arbitrary questions about how hot the water is and if i have soap in my hair..
i finished washing my hair and chris came to the door. he could tell by my answers that i was getting more and more aggravated with her. he told her to go into the living room with him. surprisingly, she complied.
as i got out of the bathtub, i reached for my robe and her pacifier fell to the floor. i stared at it for a few seconds, then i picked it up.
yes. my 3-year-old still has a pappy. why? because she is my baby. and i will do anything for her. because she loves her pappy. because she thinks she can't sleep without it. because i am not strong-willed enough to take it away from her permanently.
tears came to my eyes as i realized just how cruel i had been to a person who has done nothing but love me. i don't know what is wrong with me. i hope that after i get some rest that i won't feel like this. maybe when all the stress of the end-of-year reports are over at work, i won't snap at her. tomorrow is only a half-day at work. i plan on coming straight home and climbing into the bed for a nice long nap. it's pretty sad that i am planning a whole day in advance to take a nap. a 27 year old woman wants nap-time.
i think that grown ups should get nap time just like kids who go to daycare. i really do. on the weekends when i get to nap with janie, i love the way i feel. refreshed and awake. not tired and mean.
yep. i vote for nap time.
xoxo
tell me i'm beautiful...
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