10.08.2006 at 9:45 pm
beautiful day
sometimes it takes hearing what you already know to be true from someone you trust to make you change your life. and sometimes, even though you want it so badly not to be true, you are not strong enough to make it untrue.
because you are tired. because there are so many things that you want to do. because there are so many things that you feel you have to do. because you want to be exceptional in everyone's eyes.
and then you realize that the people who really matter, the ones that you spend probably the least amount of time with, are those you should be making such a great effort in life to be with and to do for. because they are the ones you love the most.
you say you would give your life for them. you say you want to give them the world. you show pictures of them to everyone. you are so proud to be a part of their lives.
and for them, you would sacrifice everything. but what they really want is you. your time. your face next to theirs in the morning. your voice throughout the day helping them to understand life as it unfolds before them.
i love my job. i enjoy my students' faces lighting up when they finally understand what it is that i am trying so hard to teach them.
but i love my daughter more.
and, if i could, i would give up my job for her. to be with her all day, every day. to help her learn her ABC's. to kiss every boo-boo and hold her hand while laying on the couch and watching Noggin. i admire those women in the world who are stay-at-home moms. i sometimes wonder if i was cut out to be one of those women. i doubt i am. but the days that i do get to spend with her, are the best days of my life.
it does bother me that i cannot be with her all day. she spends her days with a wonderful woman, though. and knowing that she is well taken care of by one of my dearest friends helps me make it through times like this when i just want to quit working an be home all the time.
because i know i am doing what is best for my child.
and tomorrow, because it is a state holiday and schools are closed, i will spend all day with her. just like i have all weekend. we will play. we will go see her ms. na-na. we will take a nap together. we will go see nana and pop. we might even cook supper together.
tomorrow will be a beautiful day.
xoxo
tell me i'm beautiful...
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