03.20.2019 at 10:06 am
Narcissism
I came across a list of habits of people who grew up with narcissistic mothers... and I am pretty surprised by how many I have...
1. Struggling to take compliments. Anyone that knows me knows I am not one to take a compliment. I always counter it with something negative or I explain why I shouldn’t be complimented.
2. Being a people-pleaser. Teacher’s pet? Yes. Smiles constantly? Uh huh. Can’t say no to anyone because I don’t want them to be upset with me? Oh yeah, that’s definitely me...
3. Being a perfectionist. Now, this is one that I am in some aspects of my life and definitely not in others. I will not have anything put in the public eye that has my name in anyway attached to it that is not absolutely perfect. Errors are not an option. An error would mean that maybe I’m not smart enough to have fixed it – and that is NOT Leigh.
4. Apologizing unnecessarily... This became very apparent when I was in the hospital so many times after having Si. I was constantly telling my nurses that I was sorry whenever I needed them to do their job. The same went for when I was home and my mother-in-law was there to help me. I couldn’t stop telling her how sorry I was for putting in that position. She finally sat me down and explained that I had absolutely no control over what was happening and I needed to just accept the help that people wanted to give me.
5. Obsessively cleaning. Okay, I don’t have all of these habits...
6. Taking care of others. I will go out of my way to make sure other people are alright. This is an awesome quality to have since I am a teacher, but it can be ridiculously draining emotionally as well as financially.
7. Pushing people away. I don’t think that I deserve the attention that some people give me. And when they do, I sabotage it. I have become very good at explaining to people why they don’t need me in their lives. Thankfully not all of them have stopped pushing back.
8. Isolating yourself. This is one that I struggle with. I can cocoon myself into a depression if I’m not careful and the age of the internet and social media has only made it worse. I don’t have to actually go see my friends and family. I just see how awesome their lives are through their Facebook and Instagram accounts. Then I can stay in my pajama pants all day.
9. Hiding your feelings. This is another one that I don’t have. I wear my feelings all over my face.
10. Avoiding confrontation. THIS RIGHT HERE. I will go so far out of my way to avoid confrontation that I am pretty sure I invented “ghosting” before it was even a thing. I will remove myself from someone’s life if I have to deal with actually forcing my opinion on them. Or I will change my opinion. Which then avoids the confrontation. Because who really cares what I think?
11. Engaging in negative self-talk. That sounds so clinical. But for me it goes hand in hand with pushing people away. I have tried to talk people out of being with me numerous times. I figure that if I tell them enough of my flaws that they will eventually realize how much of a crazy ball of psycho my life really is and run away screaming. Is that negative self-talk?
12. Falling apart when you fall short. This is the scary part of living life and feeling as though you are really just an impostor. I’m not really an adult, am I? I am just playing this part. I am not an adult. I am play-adulting. And when I screw it up, OH-MY-GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE? Every little decision in my life can negatively impact someone else’s life? To the point that I could potentially RUIN their life?
13. Having poor interpersonal boundaries. I say the phrase “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t matter to me” so much that people get frustrated with me. I cannot make decisions. I never made any growing up and when I am faced with a situation where I have to decide between two things I come to a standstill. I even hate simple decisions like picking out toothpaste. THERE ARE TOO MANY OPTIONS – I DON’T NEED THAT MANY CHOICES, DAMMIT.
xoxo
tell me i'm beautiful...
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